005

Spent this morning looking through the trunk of my friend's car for more comfortable shoes and water. I stumbled upon a box of my old things I lost during my move. There was a journal filled with old thoughts and memories. I shall randomly post some on here. You can decipher if they're current or old. In line for a greasy breakfast to cure this hangover before the drive home, so I'll write.
.
Before the sun rose and the fog thinned out, I sat under a tree that I sat under while I was in college. It was a tree where I spent my time watching people - watching them race time to class, watching them cram as much knowledge as they can in 10 minutes, and watching them fall in love. I miss that feeling of calm. Anything is better than the constant "fight-or-flight" mode I'm in lately.

Matters of hearts are pretty resilient, they say. But for the hopeless romantic deep within me... my recoveries from any kind of heartache are slow. I need time. I've been told that I have a big heart. The bigger the heart, the heavier it is to hold, and more so, the harder it falls.

I wasn't comfortable with advocating any kind of relationship having the other deal with a heart that he didn't break, knowing all too well what might happened. It's like this cycle. You get hurt. You hurt others. Karma in a different way, I suppose. It was this instinct. I wanted to protect him before I even knew him... even though I knew he was more capable of hurting me.

In these kinds of situations, I'm always torn between opportunities and possibilities - the could be’s and should be’s. With him, I didn't know if it was my pride, ego, or if it was fear, but I felt like I had to take flight. I held back. I didn't want to feel. But I did. I did.

Sometimes I overestimate people and I put my faith in them when I had my doubts in the first place. I'm not naive. I'm not new. But when someone constantly put out so much effort, or tries to gain your trust, you soften that facade you put up, and meet up for a lunch date... and eventually just let them in your mind, and eventually your heart. It's funny how easily we get attached to someone we have known for a short time. It's even funnier to feel sad when that someone starts to value you less. You can't say much. You can't complain because it was nothing. You were just attached, not committed.

It's ironic. Most say that I'm impossible... to keep. I leave. I disappear. It’s not burning bridges. It’s me getting over it. It’s me loving myself enough to know that I deserve more than what I want from certain situations.

I hate that I was right about him.

It is what it is. Everything is momentary. It's what you do with it. It is what you make it to be. Choices were made, and every choice has its consequence. My choice lost him. His choice lost me.