011

Last post of 2013.

New Year Resolution: Skinny jeans, fat wallet. JK. I don’t believe in new year resolutions - the new year, new me bs. There are things I want to work on though. It may take years. I want to work on my relationships – spiritual, friendships, love, and family. I want to read more, write more, pray more, meditate more, and overthink less. It's always more or less of something. I guess that's life's greatest hurdle... to want everything you already have, nothing more and nothing less.

Time for some relfection.

“The year of letting go, of understanding loss. Grace. Of the word ‘no’ and also being able to say ‘You are not kind’. The year of humanity/humility. When the whole world couldn’t get out of bed. Everyone I’ve met this year, says the same thing ‘You are so easy to be around, how do you do that?’. The year I broke open and dug out all the rot with own hands. The year I learnt small talk. And how to smile at strangers. The year I understood that I am my best when I reach out and ask ‘Do you want to be my friend?’. The year of sugar, everywhere. Softness. Sweetness. Honey honey. The year of being alone, and learning how much I like it. The year of hugging people I don’t know, because I want to know them. The year I made peace and love, right here.” – Warsan Shire 

Story of my life. 2013 was a rough year, but I’m going to pull out all the good that came out of it. I've learned this past year to truly love myself - to trust my instincts and decisions without doubt or hesitation. I've learned to forgive better - accept apologies I've never received and let go of the pain that blackened my heart. I've learned to open up myself more - let more people in than I drive out. This year, I've learned to simply live better. 

May the upcoming year bring more opportunities to chase dreams, achieve goals, and turn skeptics to believers. May the new year also bring light to your life. 

On a sidenote: Pardon my French, but class of 2014, bitches!! About darn time.

010

Well, hello there. It's been a while. I've been writing. But in an actual journal. Tumblr (http://cultofhaven.tumblr.com) is easier to access, so I've been using that medium more.

The workload is already piling on, and I feel like I'm constantly under water. I feel out of breath, but not drowning... surprisingly. I've been missing people lately, but I crave alone time more. The past month feels like I've been constantly on the go... and have been surrounded by people, which has its perks. But it's quite... exhausting.

I just need a hard reset. Because... I’m doing it again. Filtering people in my life. Forcing people out. For all it’s worth, I am putting forth a lot of effort to keep the people I genuinely want in my life. But I’m not sure of myself. I'm not overthinking, but I feel too tired to even think. I just know... It takes two to sustain any kind of relationship. Some people just don’t try for me. And anyone who cannot at least try for me don’t deserve any or all of me.

I guess the little changes I've made caused people to forget or not know that I’m impossible. To keep. No one believes they take things for granted until the thing they took for granted is gone. And I usually don’t realize how many people take me for granted until I leave. Once I know it’s over or decide it’s over... I leave. I disappear. I don’t turn back. I’ve been known as the kind to move forward with or without people. It sounds sad and extreme, but it’s not. Life is too short to waste time on people who don’t impact your life, or make you doubt your worth. Even if you're busy, it doesn't take much to tell someone that you're busy. I've always done too much, and I don't want that for myself anymore. I want to feel the way I've made others feel - like they matter.

Enough with the chit chat, back to errands and books. Happy Sunday. Anon.

009

When Santa went down the chimney tonight, he was greeted to a bit of a fright.
My family... we are not exactly the calmest of folks, and that’s even more true after some cognac and Cokes.

Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday, Jesus!!

Bear hugs,
Katt

008

So much to do, but I don't want to do any of it. So... I'm blogging.

Went to Sunday service today, per request of the mother. The sermon was actually applicable to life. It was enlightening.

After questioning what I am for years, I’ve come to this gray area. I just tread there. It is comfortable. Some Christians just claim the title, but their actions speak otherwise. I guess I didn’t want to be that, so I chose rather to tread in the gray. I wanted to believe in something, but bad things kept happening. And there was something in me that wanted to know how to honor my dad’s beliefs. I know it’s poor excuses, but it’s honest feelings.

There was a particular part of the sermon that really evoked... something inside me. 2 Corinthians: 6-14 & 15: "Don't team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?... How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?" Most people would take that as Christians are absolutely supposed to not befriend non-Christians. They are supposed to be lights that shine in this dark world. Does that mean you can’t have a relationship with anyone that can improve your life just because they’re non-believers? The answer is no. Just don’t be in a relationship that gets in the way of your relationship with God.

From first hand experience, while in this gray area, I’ve been in relationship(s) that faith plays a huge role in the other’s life. I respected that. I’ve met the parents, whom are even more religious, and did not like me initially because I was a non-believer. Over a short period of time, they all fell in love with me. I didn’t get in their way of God, so it worked out.

This is applicable in all relationships – with neighbors, with acquaintances, with friends,… with anyone that you believe is important.

I don’t know why… I was thinking of love relationships because it made me wonder if I have lost chances of being with someone because that was a factor. Of course it’s easier to fall in love with someone with the same faith. But sometimes the heart just wants to run free. It usually ends up finding the one that makes it all worthwhile. What if that person is a non-believer? Do you just give up and have it haunt you? Some people do. Most people do. But if you’re a hopeless romantic like myself, I would take a leap of faith and see if it can work. We’ve been taught to share our faith. Why not share it with the one you want to be with? It’s all about approach.

How to share your faith? This thought put me in a daze for hours, but I would talk about how my life was before Christ, how my life changed by Christ, and how my life is in Christ. It’s simple as that. Just be sincere and honest. Come with good intentions. If you have faith in Him, it’ll work. It always works out.

For years, I’ve been told that I’m going to Hell because I’m a “lukewarm Christian.” To “fix” that, I’ve gotten faith shoved down my throat, but I still couldn’t swallow the words. They don’t question why. They don’t ask for details. They don’t care. It did nothing but deter me from building my relationship. I went to church today because it was the first time where I felt my mom really cared of what I’m going through instead of telling me what I should and shouldn’t do. I responded because I felt the sincerity of her words. Don't underestimate the power of words.

Another highlight is my encounter with a stranger. This older woman came over to me after service, and sat next to me and smiled at me. She then said to me, “You’re new here.” I asked, “Is it obvious?” She said, “No, but there is different about you, and I would remember if I see you.” I asked her to elaborate, and she began talking about how she can see auras and just told me things she feels when she saw me, and it’s been a while that she have felt that kind of presence. She then just shared some of the things. I’m a hard book to read, so I was impressed… and intrigued. We talked for a good half an hour. I had to run because I had a prior engagement, but we’re getting coffee next Sunday after service.

This going to take time and work, but I'm going to try. I think it's going to be good for me. 

Got to get back to work. Concluding this post with my all time favorite Bible verse: 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. 

007

In recovery mode. This past weekend, I was bed ridden. I forced myself to get things done, so I won’t fall behind. I didn’t get much done. I guess all the forces of the universe were trying to tell me that I needed a break, but I was to stubborn to listen. I spent most of the time sleeping, eating soup, drinking milk, reading, writing, meditating, watching foreign dramas, and watching sunsets on my balcony.

Anyhoo... have you ever been so sad that you can't even cry? You just sit there and think about how sad you are. I’ve been feeling sad more frequently lately. I’m not sure if it’s something new, or I’ve just allowed myself to feel sad instead of finding things to distract me from feeling anything. It’s not about anything in particular. I just feel like I haven’t given myself the time alone to let my emotions run wild. Be human. I feel like I don’t have time for anything. Life is that hectic right now.

This may sound crazy, but there is something beautiful in sadness. I find it more raw and real than happiness. Think about it. People cannot wait to show the world how happy they are, but how often do people truly show sadness? It’s something they reserve for people they let in. It’s something almost sacred. That’s beautiful.

Of course, I enjoy being happy, and I’m happy on most days. Not over the moon happy, but life is good... for the most part. What I'm trying to say is... don’t ever apologize for feeling sad. Feeling anything is a good thing.

006

Platonic friendships. My friend and I were having one heck of a debate on the subject. He was telling me how males and females can never be friends. I, of course, disagree because I have a quite a few male friends, and I don't ever go out and make friends with people of the opposite sex only if I think I could sleep with them. That's absurd. But my friend believes that the platonic coexistence is a facade covering up the sexual impulses that lies beneath the surface.

"Most of the guys in your life do think you're an amazing person. But they all or most think you're hot and would bone you if they had a chance. They're waiting for an opportunity. That is the only reason why they are still in your life." Exaggerated much? But I guess he's saying there's this desire for things you can't have. Being friends with “taken” friends shows that there are boundaries that actions will not go, but thoughts will go. Women tend to be more sensitive to their male friends’ relationship status and uninterested in pursuing those who were already involved with someone else.

But overall... how disturbing. I get that there is some truth to it. Everyone wants romance, and in these relationships, it lurks around the corner, waiting to pounce at the most inopportune moment. I guess gender differences experience the opposite-sex friendships differently, hence why these platonic friendships do not really exist. Females believes it it does. Males knows it doesn't.

In most scenarios, he explains, men are attracted to their female friends than vice versa, but men are misguided by the flirting or just the female being responsive and nice as "SHE WANTS THE D". [Me rolling my eyes here.] Females, on the other hand, are oblivious and assumed that the lack of attraction was mutual. As a result, men consistently overestimated the level of attraction felt by their female friends, and women consistently underestimated the level of attraction felt by their male friends.

As much as I understand my friend's point of view, I still disagree. I honestly think most of my friendships with the opposite sex are mutual. There are exceptions to his theory. My friends are the exceptions. Case closed.

What are your thoughts on platonic friendships?

Until next post,
K

005

Spent this morning looking through the trunk of my friend's car for more comfortable shoes and water. I stumbled upon a box of my old things I lost during my move. There was a journal filled with old thoughts and memories. I shall randomly post some on here. You can decipher if they're current or old. In line for a greasy breakfast to cure this hangover before the drive home, so I'll write.
.
Before the sun rose and the fog thinned out, I sat under a tree that I sat under while I was in college. It was a tree where I spent my time watching people - watching them race time to class, watching them cram as much knowledge as they can in 10 minutes, and watching them fall in love. I miss that feeling of calm. Anything is better than the constant "fight-or-flight" mode I'm in lately.

Matters of hearts are pretty resilient, they say. But for the hopeless romantic deep within me... my recoveries from any kind of heartache are slow. I need time. I've been told that I have a big heart. The bigger the heart, the heavier it is to hold, and more so, the harder it falls.

I wasn't comfortable with advocating any kind of relationship having the other deal with a heart that he didn't break, knowing all too well what might happened. It's like this cycle. You get hurt. You hurt others. Karma in a different way, I suppose. It was this instinct. I wanted to protect him before I even knew him... even though I knew he was more capable of hurting me.

In these kinds of situations, I'm always torn between opportunities and possibilities - the could be’s and should be’s. With him, I didn't know if it was my pride, ego, or if it was fear, but I felt like I had to take flight. I held back. I didn't want to feel. But I did. I did.

Sometimes I overestimate people and I put my faith in them when I had my doubts in the first place. I'm not naive. I'm not new. But when someone constantly put out so much effort, or tries to gain your trust, you soften that facade you put up, and meet up for a lunch date... and eventually just let them in your mind, and eventually your heart. It's funny how easily we get attached to someone we have known for a short time. It's even funnier to feel sad when that someone starts to value you less. You can't say much. You can't complain because it was nothing. You were just attached, not committed.

It's ironic. Most say that I'm impossible... to keep. I leave. I disappear. It’s not burning bridges. It’s me getting over it. It’s me loving myself enough to know that I deserve more than what I want from certain situations.

I hate that I was right about him.

It is what it is. Everything is momentary. It's what you do with it. It is what you make it to be. Choices were made, and every choice has its consequence. My choice lost him. His choice lost me.

004

Monday’s. This school term, it’s the day of the week that I dread the most. I finally understand Monday blues. But I woke up today, and had time to center myself and allowed myself to feel thankful. It’s Canadian Thanksgiving afterall.

I’m an observer. I’ve learned that people are not always what they appear to be. I’ve come across two-week friendships, people with ulterior motives who only seek human contact when mutual-benefits are provided, name droppers and shot callers. It’s almost never “you get what you give.” Although I still live with that motto because I believe in good karma and common courtesy, I’ve learned to trust my instincts and not my heart. I’d rather be alone than be around people I don’t trust. It’s always have been that way, and it shall remain that way.

With that said, I really feel that I am one of the luckiest ducks in the world. The love for my family (the people that I actually consider family), and the value of my friends (the very small handful that stuck by me through my roughest times) cannot be described in words. I only want what’s real – real people with real feelings… and I am blessed to have that. I stopped looking at the meager number of people I have in my life, and began to look at the people. It nearly took my breath away. When you stop looking at what you don’t have, and begin looking at what you do have, you will find that you have more than you need. There are moments where I want more (like yesterday… because I’m an emotional rollercoaster these days), but I’ve never mistaken those wants as needs.

Although I don’t show my feelings, and seldomly let people in. Once I love, I love hard… and I love true. Just keep it real and the world is your oyster.

I should pay attention in class now.

Eat well. Until next post. Anon.

003

Been writing a lot more. Less filtered things on paper. Helps unclutter my thoughts and make some sense of the madness. To update – I’ve made appointments and travel plans. Most of midterms are over!! Most. Now, I just got to worry about community health projects and writing proposals. Clinic requirements are a mile long, and apparently, I’m barely on the first lap. It never ends.

I’ve been back on track and making life fulfilling in the most reclusive way. The only way I liked since I can recall. Handwriting letters that I never send out, and scrapbooking old movie stubs and random novelties from memorable nights. The other half is spending it in my car finding good fuel for the soul. I toured around my books and movies and shows with a mix of menage a trois wine and conversations.

I have spent years in a city so big that felt so small - so small that the air supply is enough only during the time you sleep. And losing myself in time itself and not knowing which day it is or laughing between streets and corner bookstores. For some reason, you’ll meet people who you let inside for the seconds of the day that are gone just as fast. I am now only in the comfort of being in a quiet place and drowning out noises of bikes, cars, and arguments - the patter of the shower, the baths to self indulge in. And yet, I want more.

I want more.